Assalam Alaikum Zizi Ail (Z.A)
Why is it that most of the time when I get good news and I'm actually happy that something good has happened, someone comes along to take away that from me. To make it worse, it doesn't stop there, they give me more to worry about and mull over.
As if I didn't have a lot of things tugging on my tired brain for attention. I'm really tired, becoming short tempered, sick and for once I think I understand why people actually choose suicide ( I won't do it of course. I would never.)
Leaving myself in this state of mind, leaves me with dumb depressing thoughts which on my up-beat healthier days I can just shrug off.
For example,normally I'm like "Friends? Who needs those I'm good as it is." and it honestly doesn't bother me that I don't hang out with people, but on my down days, it just adds to the problem list and though I normally don't care, today things like that seem really heavy.
Things like school is annoying to think about when it really counts. I can't express how hard I try but my marks may not always show for it. I really think it would be an A++ though. But who cares, nobody wants to know you tried, people just want to know what you got and size you up with their judgments.
EVERYTHING IS TIRING!
But, there are those times where I'm happy. Times where I actually get a job or accepted into university. So people, please leave your thoughts out of my way if it's going to make things worse. Tell them to me at a time I can handle them otherwise, you're not helping me but giving me more thoughts to think about and less time to actually do the work.
To make things worse, I'm mad at myself for being a horrible organizer. I think if I had that ability then things would have gotten a lot smoother for me than they are now. I'm trying.
I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.
But that doesn't seem to be enough in this world sometimes. Sometimes a voice asks in my mind, "Then what have you succeeded in doing so far?" and I'm at a loss for words. I think there were only a few times maybe. Maybe more, but now I can't think clearly .
I won't give up though.
As you can probably tell, I'm tired as I write this and I really need my sleep, but before I go I have a question. Have you ever heard of that time where Aisha (ra) was being accused of an act she didn't do and there was this one woman that came to her and just sat there and cried with her? My question is, are there really people like that?
I doubt it, people are really shallow...well, at least the one's I know and this isn't the majority I think,but in my state of mind, I forget the good except a little.
Hopefully, I'll see you next time Z.A but in a better state of mind.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Thursday, 6 February 2014
Knowing your Neighbors.
Assalam Alaikum
The other day I was mulling over the fact that I had to be a better neighbor. It started like a week ago. Like the usual, I heard something about treatment of neighbors as taught in Islam through a radio station. It wasn't like I was learning new things and it wasn't like I never thought of it before. For sure I never really thought of it deeply like I am now. It came to my attention that I was disconnected with them.
I knew I had to do something but I didn't know how. How is it possible for a person to suddenly change their norm?
So that was really stressing me out in my head. Not mentioning the biggest trigger to this stress.
Apparently we have a neighbor who is trying to avoid us and when I made a plan to try and gap the awkwardness, I told it to someone. Like usual, the great idea I thought I had was crushed and I was left feeling worse. Picture this, you're a person who's aware of how the prophet pbuh treated his neighbor and so you want to implement that into your life. Are you with me there? You think of ways to get your neighbor and yourself on good terms and you don't consider hard core failure. You don't anticipate too much bad, maybe a door to the face. You're heart is all in for this and your brain is gearing for this and you smile away as you think of when you'd like to go through with you idea. Maybe you wanted to bake some cookies or just have a chat or bring some gifts, whatever it is, you think you're doing what's right. Now you go share your idea and immediately it's being torn apart to the point where your told to not even bother. You're told things that are more worse than what you imagined and so everything is all ruined.
Everything seemed harder, 'This test is hard!' I kept thinking. I kept questioning how it was possible for me to go about this .
Then one day, I got a letter saying BINGO NIGHT in my building and that there would be prizes. I was all riled up for the game, it sounded fun not to mention there would be other neighbors.
On the actual night, not only had I wanted to attend, but four of my siblings one of which had no idea what bingo was, were all game.
There I was going in for the fun and I actually won a round along with my little brother who had just learnt the game. I went home finally knowing a bit of my neighbors who were literally 1-2 doors away! It was only after that game was over I noticed that this building event was a brilliant way to know people. They turned out to be a lively bunch.
Then I go and here stuff about them which ruins their image.
PEOPLE STOP RUINING OTHERS REPUTATIONS! You make my life harder.
Other things that happened around this period of time:
Technically I got 90's in all my subjects. Though one of the more crucial subjects, I got a 75 but there was a culminating before it where I got 95/100! I mention this because I made dua for that.
The other day I was mulling over the fact that I had to be a better neighbor. It started like a week ago. Like the usual, I heard something about treatment of neighbors as taught in Islam through a radio station. It wasn't like I was learning new things and it wasn't like I never thought of it before. For sure I never really thought of it deeply like I am now. It came to my attention that I was disconnected with them.
I knew I had to do something but I didn't know how. How is it possible for a person to suddenly change their norm?
So that was really stressing me out in my head. Not mentioning the biggest trigger to this stress.
Apparently we have a neighbor who is trying to avoid us and when I made a plan to try and gap the awkwardness, I told it to someone. Like usual, the great idea I thought I had was crushed and I was left feeling worse. Picture this, you're a person who's aware of how the prophet pbuh treated his neighbor and so you want to implement that into your life. Are you with me there? You think of ways to get your neighbor and yourself on good terms and you don't consider hard core failure. You don't anticipate too much bad, maybe a door to the face. You're heart is all in for this and your brain is gearing for this and you smile away as you think of when you'd like to go through with you idea. Maybe you wanted to bake some cookies or just have a chat or bring some gifts, whatever it is, you think you're doing what's right. Now you go share your idea and immediately it's being torn apart to the point where your told to not even bother. You're told things that are more worse than what you imagined and so everything is all ruined.
Everything seemed harder, 'This test is hard!' I kept thinking. I kept questioning how it was possible for me to go about this .
Then one day, I got a letter saying BINGO NIGHT in my building and that there would be prizes. I was all riled up for the game, it sounded fun not to mention there would be other neighbors.
On the actual night, not only had I wanted to attend, but four of my siblings one of which had no idea what bingo was, were all game.
There I was going in for the fun and I actually won a round along with my little brother who had just learnt the game. I went home finally knowing a bit of my neighbors who were literally 1-2 doors away! It was only after that game was over I noticed that this building event was a brilliant way to know people. They turned out to be a lively bunch.
Then I go and here stuff about them which ruins their image.
PEOPLE STOP RUINING OTHERS REPUTATIONS! You make my life harder.
Other things that happened around this period of time:
Technically I got 90's in all my subjects. Though one of the more crucial subjects, I got a 75 but there was a culminating before it where I got 95/100! I mention this because I made dua for that.
Saturday, 1 February 2014
Analogies of life
Assalam Alaikum!
Have you ever had those times where you're alone and you're just going on in life like normal when suddenly, you see something and it turns into an analogy? Let me further elaborate.
There were times when I was younger, walking home with my family from school. I walked much faster than them so I was often in the lead. Sometimes, there were trees in the way and I would go around it from one side and they would on the other. Bang! An anology formed just like that. For me, I pictured this being the separation between me and my family but we'd be reunited every time we came back after the short separation.
Funny things is they actually happened, more or less the way I thought of them. there were physical separations and mental separations. One where I physically left them or when I felt like I wasn't apart of them.
I'm not claiming anything people! Anyone can make weird connections.
Recently, I had to find a certain place and all I had were my distant memories of the place and a map I got from online. I followed the instructions but then there was a dead end, or so I thought. I was on the street I needed to be on to get to last and final one, but there were no signs. That street was very small and at the end there was a building. Picture, a T shaped road. At the top there was a horizontal road and a building lining it. I was at the bottom of the vertical part of the road which connected with the horizontal one. Because there were no signs, no numbers and I felt as though I came to a dead end. I turned left instead of heading straight and found another road I never saw before. That's when I pulled out my phone for it's GPS, which was really horrible, and it didn't help me. I started walking around searching for the number of the building I was looking for and the street.
From then on I spotted a street I recognized and went towards it, which happened to be the wrong way. In this whole journey, I ended up having to turn around and go back twice.
Finally I found the street, then the building and went in. When I came back out, I was looking onto a short street in front of me. It was familiar. it was the street I doubted initially because I thought it was a dead end and the building I had seen then was the one I was looking for all along. This time I was on the top of the T shaped road. where the horizontal road was.
Here's where my analogy came in, I pictured the map being the guidance of Allah. I followed it up to where I had to be but when I lost sight of the sign, I doubted my instructions even though they had guided me so far.I couldn't see the sign but, that was the street I was looking for. I made things harder for myself by taking the longer way and wasting more energy and effort.
Have you ever had those times where you're alone and you're just going on in life like normal when suddenly, you see something and it turns into an analogy? Let me further elaborate.
There were times when I was younger, walking home with my family from school. I walked much faster than them so I was often in the lead. Sometimes, there were trees in the way and I would go around it from one side and they would on the other. Bang! An anology formed just like that. For me, I pictured this being the separation between me and my family but we'd be reunited every time we came back after the short separation.
Funny things is they actually happened, more or less the way I thought of them. there were physical separations and mental separations. One where I physically left them or when I felt like I wasn't apart of them.
I'm not claiming anything people! Anyone can make weird connections.
Recently, I had to find a certain place and all I had were my distant memories of the place and a map I got from online. I followed the instructions but then there was a dead end, or so I thought. I was on the street I needed to be on to get to last and final one, but there were no signs. That street was very small and at the end there was a building. Picture, a T shaped road. At the top there was a horizontal road and a building lining it. I was at the bottom of the vertical part of the road which connected with the horizontal one. Because there were no signs, no numbers and I felt as though I came to a dead end. I turned left instead of heading straight and found another road I never saw before. That's when I pulled out my phone for it's GPS, which was really horrible, and it didn't help me. I started walking around searching for the number of the building I was looking for and the street.
From then on I spotted a street I recognized and went towards it, which happened to be the wrong way. In this whole journey, I ended up having to turn around and go back twice.
Finally I found the street, then the building and went in. When I came back out, I was looking onto a short street in front of me. It was familiar. it was the street I doubted initially because I thought it was a dead end and the building I had seen then was the one I was looking for all along. This time I was on the top of the T shaped road. where the horizontal road was.
Here's where my analogy came in, I pictured the map being the guidance of Allah. I followed it up to where I had to be but when I lost sight of the sign, I doubted my instructions even though they had guided me so far.I couldn't see the sign but, that was the street I was looking for. I made things harder for myself by taking the longer way and wasting more energy and effort.
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