Stomping on petals

Assalam Alaikum Zizi Ail (Z.A)

Why is it that most of the time when I get good news and I'm actually happy that something good has happened, someone comes along to take away that from me. To make it worse, it doesn't  stop there, they give me more to worry about and mull over. 
As if I didn't have a lot of things tugging on my tired brain for attention. I'm really tired, becoming short tempered, sick and for once I think I understand why people actually choose suicide ( I won't do it of course. I would never.) 
Leaving myself in this state of mind, leaves me with dumb depressing thoughts which on my up-beat healthier days I can just shrug off. 
For example,normally I'm like "Friends? Who needs those I'm good as it is." and it honestly doesn't bother me that I don't hang out with people, but on my down days, it just adds to the problem list and though I normally don't care, today things like that seem really heavy.

Things like school is annoying to think about when it really counts. I can't express how hard I try but my marks may not always show for it. I really think it would be an A++ though. But who cares, nobody wants to know you tried, people just want to know what you got and size you up with their judgments. 

EVERYTHING IS TIRING!
But, there are those times where I'm happy. Times where I actually get a job or accepted into university. So people, please leave your thoughts out of my way if it's going to make things worse. Tell them to me at a time I can handle them otherwise, you're not helping me but giving me more thoughts to think about and less time to actually do the work.

To make things worse, I'm mad at myself for being a horrible organizer. I think if I had that ability then things would have gotten a lot smoother for me than they are now. I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.


But that doesn't seem to be enough in this world sometimes. Sometimes a voice asks in my mind, "Then what have you succeeded in doing so far?" and I'm at a loss for words. I think there were only a few times maybe. Maybe more, but now I can't think clearly .

I won't give up though.

 As you can probably tell, I'm tired as I write this and I really need my sleep, but before I go I have a question. Have you ever heard of that time where Aisha (ra) was being accused of an act she didn't do and there was this one woman that came to her and just sat there and cried with her? My question is, are there really people like that? 
I doubt it, people are really shallow...well, at least the one's I know and this isn't the majority I think,but in my state of mind, I forget the good except a little. 


Hopefully, I'll see you next time Z.A but in a better state of mind.