The wait.

mentally beat up and knocked down, it was that time time again...

The sky was layered with dull clouds covering the calming blue from view. There were no chilly winds that day, winter ran out of breath.  Walking home had never been so easy since the cold season came kicking in. The distance was lengthy but with my ears plugged in, it didn't seem so.

The  weather was lovely ( for winter) , in a lovely neighborhood  where innocent trees were left abandoned on the streets after being killed needlessly for Christmas , listening to a radio station on my phone and hearing about the judgement day.  The reminder was much needed and it was one of those radio shows that would keep airing again over time by different speakers. Without the weather to distract me, my mind began to turn it's wheels and I would "see" what they talked about. For some reason hell fire seemed more of a reality than Paradise.

The wheels turned faster in my head and then I'm  out onto the busier streets still nothing can get a hold of my attention more than the radio station. In fact, my earphones were wonky and as I traveled I was trying to fix them so that I could hear more.

I don't like to evaluate myself because for the many nights, before I slept, I would always hate my own outcome. Right before bed evaluations are easier to handle because distracting your thoughts is easier because the darkness lulls you to sleep but then it was the evening so that left me with a lot of time to think.

Saddening thoughts kept on creeping in, and even though I didn't believe them for the most part ,they still hurt. I feel frustrated for all sorts because I'm deprived of hearing the miracle of the quran even though I tried to learn Arabic before, can't pray properly though I never want to miss one , don't know why people like my own dad think the quran is like oxygen to them (I told him I could go on months without the quran if not years just to hear more about his reasoning. I felt sad at the truth of my words) and most of all,  the fact that I'm hanging on tight because Islam is all I've ever known and I have belief in what I heard of it from others. I want to be 100% sure without doubt and be able to have proofs.    It's in Islam somewhere and I want to excavate it. Though many frustrating and depressing thoughts may slip into my mind and throw me off, I can wait and try harder.